Giles: Must we have this noise during your callisthenics?
Buffy: It’s not noise! It’s music!
Giles: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise.
Buffy: I’m aerobicising! I must have a beat!
Giles: Wonderful. Your work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears.

Xander: What are you two up to?
Buffy: Just having a quick game of “Anywhere But Here”
Xander: Oooh. Amy Yip at the waterslide park.
Willow: You never come up with anything new.
Xander: I’m just not fickle like you two, okay? I’m constant in my affections. Amy Yip at the waterslide park!

Xander: Giles lived for school. He’s actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, “There should be more math. This could be mathier.”

Willow: C’mon, you don’t think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.

Buffy: So, what’s on the tap tonight that’s no important? Uprising, prophesied ritual, preordeined deathfest?
Xander: Ah, the old standards!

Xander: Ooo, gang, did ya hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it’s my best day ever!

Jenny: Well, I mean, I-I practically had to fold back every single page. So I finally I just, I just started underlining all the pages I really wanted to discuss.
Giles: U-u-underlined…?
Jenny: But then, of course, I spilled coffee all over it, I can’t even read it…
Giles: It’s a first edition!
Jenny: I’m lying, Rupert. The book’s fine. I just love to see you squirm.

Cordelia: Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn’t it? First I’m sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday, now I have to read some computer book… There are books on computers? Isn’t the point of computers to replace books?

Giles: Cordelia!
Cordelia: What? Why does everyone always yell my name? I’m not deaf! And I can take a hint. What’s the hint?
Giles: To come back later.
Cordelia: Yeah, when you’ve visited decaf land.

Attendant: Have you had your breakfast?
Giles: No.
Attendant: That was probably a good idea.

Buffy: Thanks. I’m worried about Giles. He was supposed to meet me here.
Angel: Maybe he’s late.
Buffy: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eight deadly sin?

Xander: When are we gonna need computers for real life anyway?
Jenny: Hmm, let’s see. There’s home, school, work, games…
Xander: Y’know, computers are on the way out. I think paper’s gonna make a big comeback.
Willow: And the abacus.
Xander: Yeah, you know, you don’t see enough abaci.

Xander: Uh, sit here, Buffs! Demilitarise the zone between me and Cordelia.
Cordelia: Yeah, and delouse him while you’re at it.

Buffy: Uh, you haven’t seen anything weird?
Xander: Nope.
Cordelia: No, he seemed perfectly normal yesterday when I saw him talking to the police.
Buffy: And you waited till now to tell us this because…?

Willow: I’m not gonna get close enough to feel his pulse, but… he looks dead.
Xander: Except for the walking and attacking Buffy part.

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles’ personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah.

Willow: I don’t know about Giles, but ancient sects used to induce possession for bacchanals and, and orgies.
Xander: Okay! Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I coulda lived without that one.

Willow: We have to figure out how to kill this thing, and we need to do it fast.
Xander: Uh, hot lava.
Willow: That’s for a heretic.
Xander: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, ooo, ooo! Bury a potato! No that’s for warts. Who writes this stuff?

Cordelia: I’ve got the solution right here. “To kill a demon cut off its head.”
Xander: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! We’ll, uh, find Ms. Calendar, then we’ll decapitate her. Hey! She’ll be the first headless computer teacher in school. You think anybody’ll notice?
Cordelia: Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year’s supply of acne cream? A brain.

Willow: HEY! We don’t have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them ou of it! And if you two aren’t with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!

Buffy: You know what the worst thing is? I was saving up for some very important shoes, and now I have to blow my entire allowance to get this stupid tattoo removed. Let’s just hope my mom doesn’t see it first.

Buffy: Hey! Maybe you should consider a career as a Watcher.
Willow: Oh, no, I don’t think I could handle the stress.
Xander: And the dental plan is crap.

Buffy: Is she okay?
Giles: Um… The hills are not alive.
Buffy: I’m sorry to hear that. I think.

Buffy: And you know what? I have just the perfect music. Go on, say it. You know you want to.
Giles: It’s not music, it’s just, uh, meaningless sounds.
Buffy: There. Feel better?
Giles: Yes. Thanks. Bay City Rollers. Now, that’s music.
Buffy: I didn’t hear that.