Xander: “Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?” Well, what if I’m a people person who keeps his own company by default?
Buffy: So, mark “none of the above”.
Xander: Well, there are no boxes for “none of the above”. That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.

Willow: You’re not gonna be young forever.
Xander: Yes, but I’ll always be stupid. Okay, let’s not all rush to disagree.

Cordelia: “I aspire to help my fellow man.” Check. As long as he’s not smelly, dirty or something gross.
Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.
Cordelia: Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice.
Xander: Is murder always a crime?

Buffy: Does “rest in peace” have no sanctity to you people? Oh, I forgot, you’re not a people.

Buffy: Just dropping by for some quality time with Mr. Gordo?
Angel: Excuse me?
Buffy: The pig.

Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: Yeah. I’ll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Cordelia: Oh, here I am. “Personal shopper or motivational speaker.” Neato!
Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you?

Xander: When you look at me, do you think “prison guard”?
Buffy: Um, crossing guard, maybe, but prison guard?

Buffy: Yeah! They had tools, flashlights, whole nine yards. What does that mean anyway? “Whole nine yards”? Nine yards of what? Now it’s gonna bug me all day. Giles, you’re in pace mode. What gives?

Buffy: Y’know, if you don’t like the way I’m doing my job, why don’t you find somebody else? Oh, that’s right, there can only be one. As long as I’m alive, there is no one else. Well, there you go! I don’t have to be the Slayer. I could be dead.
Giles: That wasn’t terribly funny. You notice I don’t laugh.

Willow: If she doesn’t get back soon, Snyder’s really… done a great job with the fair this year, hasn’t he, Xander?
Xander: Principal Snyder! Great career fair, sir! Really! In fact, I’m so inspired by your leadership, I’m thinking principal school. I wanna walk in your shoes. Not your actual shoes, of course, because you’re a tiny person. Not tiny in the small sense, of course. Okay, I’m done now.

Buffy: Uh, Giles, it’s one thing to be a Watcher and a librarian. They go together like chicken and… another chicken, or… two chickens, or… something, you know what I’m saying! The point is, no one blinks an eye if you want to spend all your days with books. What am I supposed to do? Carve stakes for a nursery?

Giles: It was written by Du Lac. Damn it! I let it slip my mind with all the excitement.
Buffy: I’m guessing it wasn’t a “Taste of the Vatican” cookbook.

Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I’da gone with “The Cross-o-matic”, or, uh, “The Amazing Mr. Cross.”

Angel: You’re in danger. You know what the ring means?
Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?

Giles: I’m afraid he was not overreacting. This ring is worn only by members of the Order of Taraka. It’s a society of deadly assassins dating back to King Solomon.
Xander: And didn’t they beat the Elks this year in the Sunnydale adult bowling league championships?

Giles: Well, maybe Buffy unplugged the phone.
Xander: No, it’s statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.

Willy: Yeah? Man, that’s too bad, ‘cause… I’m stayin’ away from that whole scene. I’m livin’ right, Angel.
Angel: Sure you are, Willy. And I’m taking up sunbathing.

Giles: Willow?
Willow: Don’t warn the tadpoles!

Giles: Don’t warn the tadpoles?
Willow: I… I have frog fear.

Cordelia: I can’t even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That’s what a lot of guys say, but it’s locker room talk. I wouldn’t pay it any mind.
Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I’m your taxi and your punching bag.
Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it you way.

Xander: C’mon, Cordelia. You wanna be a member of the Scooby Gang you gotta be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then.
Cordelia: Oh, right, ‘cause I lie awake at night hoping you tweakos will be my best friends. And that my first husband will be balding, demented homeless man.