Xander: You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Willow: Xander, he was obviously in charge.
Xander: He was a puppet! She was using him!
Willow: He didn’t seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used.
Xander: Well, that was her genius! He didn’t even know he was playing second fiddie. Buffy.
Buffy: Huh?
Xander: Who was the real power? The Captain, or Tenille?

Xander: Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we’ve really been ridin’ the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us saying that.

Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.
Buffy: Getting better.
Willow: And you’re loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Joyce: Oh, he sells, uh, computer software. He redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time.
Buffy: To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen.

Buffy: Any others?
Giles: Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not.
Buffy: What? I kill vampires, that’s my job.
Giles: Well, true, true, although you don’t usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything alright?

Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini pizzas , and everyone’s like, “I like your mini pizzas”, but I’m telling you, I am…

Buffy: I don’t know him. I, I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really likes him.
Xander: What kind of a monster is he?

Buffy: I’m just saying there’s something a little too clean about this clown.
Willow: He’s clean clown! I have my own fun.

Xander: Your having parental issues, you’re having parental issues…
Willow: Xander…
Xander: What? Freud would’ve said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance.

Buffy: So mom’s like, “Do you think Ted will like this?” and “This is Ted’s favorite show.” And “Ted’s teaching me computers.” And “Ted said the funniest thing.” And I’m like, “That’s really great, Mom.” And then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I’m sorry if I don’t wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?

Ted: I know I’ve been looking a long time for one? So, Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block tryin’ to get a date with you.
Buffy: Not really.
Willow: Oh, they are, but she’s only interested in… uh, her studies! “Book cracker Buffy”, it’s kind of her nickname.

Willow: What do you mean, check him out?
Buffy: I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets, hack into his life.
Xander: Can you say “overreaction”?
Buffy: Can you say “sucking chest wound”?

Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
Cordelia: Oh, very funny.
Xander: Not really.
Cordelia: What are you saying?
Xander: Nice outfit?
Cordelia: Well, why don’t you just keep your mouth shut!

Xander: Look, I’m not gonna tell, they’re not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?
Cordelia: God! Is that all you ever think about? Okay.

Xander: Look, Buffy, I don’t know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless…
Buffy: Unless they were dating my mother?

Cordelia: I don’t get it. Buffy’s the Slayer. Shouldn’t she have…
Xander: What, a license to kill?
Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she’s like this superman. Shouldn’t there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.
Cordelia: Right! Why can’t we have one of those?

Giles: Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can’t be much worse than what she’s doing to herself. She’s taken a human life. The guilt, it-it’s, it’s pretty hard to bear, and it won’t go away soon.
Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that you guy that time?
Giles: Yes. Do let’s bring that up as often as possible.

Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love.
Xander: What is then?
Willow: I’m not positive, but I think it’s Dematorin. It’s like tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with Ecstasy.
Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy’s cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! Well, that’s the cookie talkin’, but you rock!

Giles: AAAHH!
Jenny: Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time.

Willow: Whoa, whoa, 1957! Ted musta married young: like preschool young.

Cordelia: Feels like home. If it’s the fifties and you’re a psycho.

Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted? … Let’s go.
Cordelia: But we need evidence!
Xander: We got it.
Willow: What’s in there?
Xander: His first four wives.

Jenny: Some night, huh? Yeah, you really know how to woo a girl back, don’t cha?

Joyce: Do you wanna rent a movie tonight?
Buffy: Sounds like fun.
Joyce: Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men
Buffy: I guess we’re “Thelma and Louise”ing it again.

Willow: The sad part is the real Ted must’ve been a genius. There were design features in that robot that pre-date…
Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn’t keep any parts.
Willow: Not any big ones.
Buffy: Oh, Will, you’re supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?