Joyce: It’s an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.
Buffy: But I looked good in it.
Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.
Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. That’s probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?
Joyce: You’re just too young to wear that.
Buffy: Yeah, and I’m gonna be too young to wear it until I’m too old to wear it.
Joyce: That’s the idea.

Buffy: Everyday Woman?
Joyce: Mm-hmm. There’s the receipt.
Buffy: Why didn’t you just go to Muu-Muus R Us?

Xander: You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn’t talk.
Cordelia: Well, it’d work a lot better for me with the lights off.

Mr. Whitmore: S-E-X. Sex. The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?
Xander: Mm-hm.
Mr. Whitmore: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

Cordelia: Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car? Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata at, parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and … (…)
Xander: You wanna talk negative consequence? What about the heartbreak of halitosis? I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing the bloom is definitely off the rose.
Cordelia: Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the Hoover technique is a big turn-on.
Xander: What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chit-chat just so you can get some touch?

Willow: Buffy! How come you weren’t in class?
Buffy: Vampires issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy.
Xander: I think the word you’re searching for is “absent”.
Willow: Tardy people show.

Buffy: I can’t do this! I can’t take care of things! I killed my Giga Pet. Literally, I sat on it and it broke.

Buffy: I’ll just lay that one off on my partner. Who’d I get?
Willow: Well, there were an uneven number of students, and you didn’t show, so…
Buffy: I’m a single mother?

Giles: That’s, um, Lyle Gorch, and that’s one’s his brother, Tector. They’re from Abilene. They, uh, they made their reputation by massacring an entire Mexican village in 1886.
Buffy: Friendly little demons.
Giles: That was before they became vampires.

Buffy: Okay; little egg dude. Let’s see. Feeding? Check. Burping? Eeeew… Check. Diapers. Sort of, in theory, I guess. Okay. Good night, Eggbert.

Joyce: What’s the matter? Your egg keep you up all night?
Buffy: You’re killing me. Parenting’s a pain!
Joyce: Wait till it starts dating.

Giles: How did the, um… hunt go last night, Buffy?
Buffy: No go.
Giles: Uh, “no”, “no” you didn’t go, or, or, or you were unsuccessful?
Buffy: No Gorches.
Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You… Angel… big smoochies?
Buffy: Shut… up.

Willow: It didn’t break! How come it didn’t break?
Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care: pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
Willow: You boiled your young?
Xander: Yeah! I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind! I mean, you can bet that little Xander here is thick skinned now.

Cordelia: Figures you three would all be hanging in the dungeon while something major’s going on at Sunnydale High.
Xander: And what would that be, Cordelia? Barrette Appreciation Day?

Buffy: Oh. That’s okay, um… I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn’t do. You know, like works for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or.. have little vampires.

Joyce: Who was that on the phone?
Buffy: Um, uh, Willow. She wasn’t feeling well today, so I was just calling to make sure she was feeling better.
Joyce: You’re gonna have to do much better than that, young lady.
Buffy: I had a bad dream?
Joyce: Oh, no, you’re about to have a bad dream! A dream that you are grounded for the rest of your natural life.

Buffy: Nice bear. Listen is your…
Cordelia: Hey, I’ll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstaad years ago. Then all of a sudden these trendoids everywhere started sporting them. So I’m totally not wearing it. Then I thought, hey, I’m the one who started this nationwide craze! What am I ashamed of?
Buffy: Okay, Soliloquy Girl, I just wanted to ask about your egg.

Buffy: Great. You know, I always say that a day without autopsy… is like a day without sunshine.

Xander: Can I just say Gyughhh!
Buffy: I see you “Gyughhh!” and raise you a Nyaghhh!
Cordelia: What is it?
Xander: We don’t know what it is, Cordelia, that’s why we’re here. Capisce?
Cordelia: “Capisce”? What are you, world traveler now?

Xander: So, now I guess, uh, we know what happened to Mr. Whitmore.
Cordelia: He saw this and run away?
Buffy: Try best scenario.

Xander: Last time Cordy dragged me in here it was a lot nicer.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Uh… Huh? Nothing. Uh, crazy talk. Head trauma.

Xander: What was it?
Buffy: A bozo! Not a bozo.
Xander: A bezoar.
Buffy: That’s it! Okay, so now… we look it up?
Xander: In what?
Buffy: A book?