Xander: Man , Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!

Willow: Buffy you’re sick.
Buffy: No, I feel fine. I mean, I’m … the world’s spinning a little bit, but I like it, it’s kinda like a ride.
Cordelia: Half the school’s out with this flu. It’s a serious deal, Buffy. We’re all concerned about how gross you look.
Buffy: I’m touched. Really.

Intern: What happened.
(They all speak at once)
Xander: She fell.
Willow: The flu.
Cordelia: She fainted.
Xander: The flu, fainted and fell. She’s sick, make it better!

Xander: Do you think she’s gonna be okay in here?
Cordelia: I don’t know, Lysette got her nose done here, and she came in looking for the Gwyneth Paltrow, and it looked more like the Mr. Patatohead.

Willow: Buffy’s not here for cosmetic surgery.
Cordelia: No, but while she’s in here, she might as well get that thing done. You know, that thing on her face? You know that thing. (…) Am I the only one that’s noticed that thing?

Angelus: If I decide to walk into Buffy’s room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?
Xander: Maybe not. Maybe that security guard couldn’t either. Or those cops… or the orderlies… But I’m kinda curious to find out. You game?

Xander: Flowers for milady.
Buffy: I think they call those balloons.
Xander: Yeah, stick ‘em in water, maybe they’ll grow.
Willow: Not to be outdone…
Buffy: Homework!
Willow: It’s my way of saying, “get well soon”.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.
Cordelia: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring gift. I was out of the loop on gifts.
Giles: It’s, it’s tradition among, um… people. Um…

Buffy: Yeah, but I thought I saw something. I’m not sure, I was really out of it, but…
Cordelia: But you do know that you saw deat.
Willow: Did it have an hourglass?
Xander: Ooo. If he asks you to play chess, don’t even do it. The guy’s like a whiz.

Cordelia: So this isn’t about being afraid of hospitals ‘cause your friend died and you wanna conjure up a monster that you can fight so you can save everybody and not feel so helpless?
Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I’ll pass.

Guard: You know, most people think that security guards are just guys that failed the police exam. But that’s not me. This is my career.
Cordelia: Stereotypes are so unfair.
Guard: I did take the fireman’s exam, though. I didn’t do so good.
Cordelia: Oh, well, you know, I think that security guards are way sexier than firemen. They’re all sooty.

Xander: Could you make just a little more with the touchy-groupey?
Cordelia: Jealous?
Xander: Of Rogaine boy? I don’t think so.

Cordelia: Your obsession with protecting Buffy. Have I told you how attractive that’s not?
Xander: Cordelia, someone’s gotta watch her back.
Cordelia: Yeah, well, I’ve seen you watch her back.
Xander: What is that supposed to mean?
Cordelia: Well, I was using the phrase “watch her back” as a euphemism for “looking at her butt.” You know, sort of pun.
Xander: Oh! Right. Hey!
Cordelia: Well, you do.
Xander: Jealous?
Cordelia: Fine. Watch my back.

Buffy: It wasn’t Backer. He was clean.
Cordelia: What do you mean “clean”?
Xander: What do you mean “was”?

Willow: Oh, yeah, I’m good at medical stuff since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.
Xander: No, she’s being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, uh, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
Willow: Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?
Buffy: I never have.

Xander: Finding out who this thing is takes priority. Cordy, you should go with Giles.
Giles: Why do I have to have… Uh, good thinking. I-I-I could do with a research assistant.
Cordelia: Let’s go, tact-guy.

Cordelia: What does this do?
Giles: Uh, it, uh, extracts vital organs replenish its own mutating cells.
Cordelia: Wow! What does this one do?
Giles: Um, i-it elongates its mouth, uh, engulf its victim’s head with its incisors.
Cordelia: Ouch. Wait, what does this one do?
Giles: It asks endless questions of those with whom it’s supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done.
Cordelia: Boy, there’s a demon for everything.

Giles: I found a picture of how it kills. Let me talk to her.
Cordelia: Oh! Eww!
Buffy: What?
Cordelia: Oh! Uh, you should see this thing! The way it does its thing, I mean, eww! Why do I let you guys drag me into this stuff?
Giles: Uh, uh, Buffy? Are you, are you still here?
Buffy: Hanging on every eww.

Willow: Buffy!
Buffy: Willow, I’m going to do this.
Willow: Buffy, that’s 100% pure. It’ll kill you in an instant.
Buffy: Oh. They really should put that on the label.

Willow: Frogs! Frogs! Get ‘em off of me! Oh, my God, frogs! Get them off of me! Please, help! Get ‘em off! FROGS! Frogs! Oh, my God, horrible frogs! Get ’em…
Dr. Wilkinson: Not her, the other one!
Willow: No more frogs!

Buffy: I wanted crunchy peanut butter.
Joyce: Oh, sorry.
Buffy: A-and I said extra jelly.
Joyce: Anything to help my daughter get well.
Willow: Oh, and while you’re up, could I get a refill? It’s just I’m so comfortable.
Joyce: Of course.
Willow: Thanks.
Xander: Oh, oh, oh, and another bag of cheesy chips.
Joyce: Uh, you ate the last one.
Xander: No, there’s another nag hidden behind the raisins.
Joyce: I’m on it.
Xander: Your mom’s tryin’ to Bogart the cheesy chips. What’s that all about?