Xander: (out of breath) I'm good. We're fine. (gets up) Just a little bit dirty. (gives two thumbs up) Good show, everyone. (staggers out into the cave) Just great. I think we have a hit.
Willow: (concerned) Are you okay?
Xander: Tip-top, (exhales) really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it.
 
Buffy: Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?
Willow: (smiles) I brought marshmallows. Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.
 
Giles: Uh, Xander, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you, you, uh, h-hung back to the rear of the battle, you know, for your own sake.
Xander: (facetiously) But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll *never* be a good reporter.
Giles: (not getting it) Hmm?
Xander: Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?
 
Jack: (not amused) What are you, retarded?
Xander: No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything. (points down) Can I get you another soda?
Jack: I oughtta cut your face open.
Xander: (nervous) Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa... It was an accident. Cool down.
Jack: (smiles thinly) You wanna be startin' somethin'?
Xander: What? Starting something? (grins) Like that Michael Jackson song, right? (chuckles) That was a lot of fun. 'Too high to get over, yeah, yeah...' Remember that fun song?
 
Xander: But... It's just that it's buggin' me, this 'cool' thing. (cut to them) I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?
Oz: Not sure. (reaches for a chip)
Xander: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Oz: Am I? (eats a chip)
Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
Oz: (considers) Could be.
Xander: (smiles) I know! You're in a band! That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff! I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Oz: (shakes his head) Not the way I play it.
Xander: Okay, but on the other hand: eighth grade. I'm taking the flügelhorn and gettin' *zero* trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. (thinks) But you need a thing, one thing nobody else has. What do I have?
Oz: An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special.
 
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Xander: You girls need a lift?
Buffy: What is this?
Xander: What do you mean, what is it? (gestures around himself) It's my *thing*.
Willow: Your thing?
Xander: (emphatically) My *thing*!
Buffy: (frowns uncertainly) Is this a penis metaphor?
Xander: (sighs heavily) It's my thing that makes me cool. You know, that makes me unique. (sees their blank looks) I'm Car Guy. Guy with the car.

Buffy: (reads) 'Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors...' Eww. '...celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes.' They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?

Giles: Um, to try and contact the Spirit Guides. (takes his overcoat from its hanger) They exist out of time, but have knowledge of the future. (pulls it on) I have no idea if they will respond to my efforts, but I have to try. (comes back from his office) All we know is that the fate of the entire world rests on it. (looks into the doughnut box) Did you eat all the jellies?
Buffy looks up from her book.
Buffy: (innocently) Did you want a jelly?
Giles: (petulantly) I always have a jelly. I'm always the one that says 'let's have a jelly in the mix.'
Willow: We're sorry. (tattles quickly) Buffy had three.

Lysette: (bored and impatient) Wow. Cool knife.
Xander: Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, uh, it may technically be a, a sword.
Jack: She's called 'Katie'.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you. (turns to Lysette) Listen, I think we should be going.
Jack: (jeeringly) Are you scared?
Xander: (shakily) Would that make you happy?
Jack: (sneering) Your woman looking on, you can't stand up to me? Don't you feel pathetic?
Xander: (nervously) Mostly I feel Katie.
Jack: You know what the difference between you and me is?
Xander: Again... Katie's springing to mind

Police Officer: He attack you?
Xander: (to the officer) No. Just blowing off steam. (grins) Two guys rasslin'. (shakes his head) But not in a gay way.

Bob: How long I been down?
Jack: Eight months. I had to wait till the stars aligned.
Bob: Oh, eight months. I got some catching up to do.
Bob: Whoa! Walker, Texas Ranger. You been taping 'em?
Jack: Every ep.

Giles: (stands up) There's something... different about this... menace, something in the air... The stench of death.
Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob.

Faith: A fight like that and... no kill... I'm about ready to pop.
Xander: (nervously) Really? (looks down at her rubbing hands) Pop?!
Faith: (smiles sexily) You up for it?
Xander: (nods) Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly *very* up. It's just, um... (grins sheepishly) I've never been up with people before.
Faith: Just relax... And take your pants off.
Xander: Those two concepts are antithetical.

Xander: Should've learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later... I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk.